Ranking Every U.S. Maple Song

"Save your neck for tiger."

I’ll be upfront about this; U.S. Maple are my favourite band of all time. There’s a few that persuade me otherwise while I’m listening to them, but when it comes down to what it is I hold dear in music, especially guitar-driven music, U.S. Maple do it all. Hailing from Chicago (as good things often do), they frustrated and annoyed audiences for practically their entire career with their very unique brand of “noise” “rock,” even opening for Pavement on a leg of their 1999 U.S. tour, where frontman Al Johnson had, “an entire gin and tonic [land on his] head, in order of ingredients.” I won’t spend time on doing a bio on them - there’s much better articles for that. I’ll say this much, though. They’re unlike anything else, as I found out when I was about 16 while sneaking my earphones in Maths class. I opened up Acre Thrills on YouTube and was immediately disgusted with what I heard. It made zero sense, there was no big 4/4 kick, the vocalist sounded like he had no larynx, and worst of all, no distortion! How the hell could this be hailed as a masterpiece of avant-garde rock? But, as days drew on, something about it kept luring me back in, giving it shot after shot after shot, until one day everything clicked into place, and I felt blessed by the gods. I was listening to the greatest music to ever exist in the whole wide world. I was a teenager, obviously I was thinking these things.

I’ve grown up since then, and U.S. Maple have kind of always just been there for me. They’ve soundtracked breakups, car-rides, house parties, drunken and stoned nights alone. And I never felt like I’ve ever truly understood them -their obliqueness, even in spite of an awesome half-hour documentary and heaps of fragmented concert footage, is nothing short of titillating - Al Johnson is still in my top 5 men I’d like to have a beer with. How could these four men come together to not just deconstruct rock music, but do it five times over, and be unsung aside from a small group of fans? What kind of drive leads to that? Are we ever going to get something like this again?

So, in celebration of Skin Graft and Drag City reissuing 4/5ths of their discography, I’ve decided to rank all their songs. This is not definitive by any means, even to myself - placements could change at a moments notice. This is quite honestly just an excuse to gush about these dudes in a semi-organised fashion. Again, this is just my opinion, and I don’t hold any strong thoughts against those who disagree; honestly if you do, please say so, I’d love to hear what I’ve missed in some of the songs lower on the list. Cheers :)

49. [untitled] (from Sang Phat Editor)

Yeah, this is kind of a nothing song. It’s definitely not bad by any means, but it doesn’t hold anything close to resembling a candle to the [untitled]s they would pull out later on in their career. It’s just a kind of neat muffled guitar line with some ornamentation thrown on top. S’okay.

48. Untitled (from Purple On Time)

Another untitled track, but this one gets points for being a) short, and b) just the opening riff from Dumb In The Wings. More on that song later. Again, s’okay.

47. Oh Below

Despite this and the next pick, I don’t want to give the impression that I hate Purple On Time. I don’t hate any of these songs - U.S. Maple’s C-tier is a decent amount of bands A-tier, and that applies here. Despite sounding like an alt-rock song from the decade prior, it’s inarguably done through their own lens, which lends most of Purple its charm. It feels like a band that’s spent so long trying to subvert things that they end up tricking themselves into making a normal record, or at least as normal as they can manage. It’s melodic, forlorn and disarmingly emotional at times, though sometimes the songs can just meander a little too much and become lost in their own tears. The fact I’ve spent more time talking about the album this song is from is testament to this. It’s definitely not an unpleasant listen, it’s just very static compared to most of their songs. Still, if any other band made this? Pretty cool. It feels like the only moment of proper spontaneity is the random blown-out snare hit near the end.

46. Touch Me Judge

Again, I do not hate this album, nor these songs. This just doesn’t do much to move me. It does work very well in the context of the record - this is U.S. Maple’s swan song, technically, and what a whimper to go out on. It’s tired, messy, like the band’s playing it with their heads in their hands. Then, a riff catches on, cymbals swell, and it goes… nowhere? An organ starts up then putters out almost immediately. What the hell? It’s both the least and most Maple way to end this record. Points for being perplexing.

45. Aplomado

This is likely my first controversial pick on this list. This is definitely a U.S. Maple song. I’m a little disappointed they don’t commit to the Dave Fridmann-esque overdriven drum sound for the whole track, considering how short it is, but hey, we get a really goddamn weird trumpet(?) solo in the middle. It’s a good booty-shaking anthem, if you’re exceedingly drunk.

44. Magic Job

Uh oh, that’s two Long Hair tracks in a row. I don’t have any problems with this one, it’s just very one-note and doesn’t last particularly long. It’s got a lovely rolling beat to it, but outside of a couple interesting rhythmic switch-ups, not much changes. I feel like other songs they have made do this song structure much better. I also kind of get off on how utterly irritating that left guitar is, Jesus Christ, it just keeps going up and down and up and down and

43. I’m Just a Bag

That pick scraping in the left channel for the intro is just… yes daddy, more please. This is a bit of a return to form for Maple, considering the past couple tracks on this record, though like most Purple songs it sometimes feels a bit too meandering. It kind of wallows in its own grief, and while that doesn’t make it an amazing Maple song, it makes it a very good song regardless, cuz that grief is cool sounding. Neat hammer-on guitar lines, very dour, couple of odd rhythmic sections, it sort of feels like it’s just vibrating so hard it’s managing to float in the air. It’s very nervous sounding.

42. Sweet & Centre

This is the part where Purple establishes itself as a total outsider in Maple’s discography. It’s tender, delicate, and not in the kind of sea-urchin way they usually are. This shit is coming from the heart, and it feels upbeat in a kind of fucked up way. Definitely one of their sunnier songs, though this doesn’t make for super rewarding repeated listens. It’s just a happy chappy of a track, and I can get behind that. I really appreciate the female back-up vocals too, and the interplay between Mark and Todd on guitar is exceedingly, maybe sickly, pleasant. But hey, the song is literally called, “Sweet & Centre.”

41. Through With Six Six Six

I honestly feel a bit guilty putting this song so low on this list, but it’s one of the U.S. Maple songs that feels like it kind of struggles under its own density. They’re firing off on all cylinders, in completely different directions, which is really neat to listen to in an Ornette Coleman sort of way, but it’s not entirely what I go to U.S. Maple for. It’s just a little too busy for me, though the sudden isolated vocal in the middle is a real treat. This is also the first (actual) Sang Phat song on this list, because this is where Maple really hit their stride in tearing down the tenets of rock music. This entire record is overcast by entropy, practically everything is falling apart all the time, and this is likely the most extreme example of this. Also that random jaunty tune they throw in at the end is quite funny.

40. Whoopee Invader

I actually really love this song, but it’s a bit plain to fairly throw up higher on the list. Whatever that chord that slowly grows in volume after the intro lick is, I want it and I want more of it. The rest of the song is kind of business as usual for a Purple track, it’s melancholic and wistful, but builds itself up into something I can only really describe as triumph. Al’s vocals on here lend a lot to this tone, and the guitar work is very pretty, but all in all, pretty good song, no more no less. That fucking chord though, man!

39. Lady To Bing

This song is really fucking funny to me, I barely ever listen to it but it feels like watching all four members fail miserably and repeatedly at doing a curtain call. The left-in, “Did we run out of tape?” just adds to it. A very fitting ending to a record that manages to beat the people they mock at their own game, but also kind of shows off just how snarky they were being back then. It’s still great though.

38. Tan Loves Blue

This sounds like a Disney Channel credits song, if the Disney Channel was produced by Jim O’Rourke. They clearly went all out with furnishing this up in the studio, and it leaves me feeling a bit confused. There’s like… post-production, and added reverb, and a big thumping beat, and back-up vox, and overdubs, and a GUITAR SOLO?! What the hell is wrong with them? Is this good? Is this even U.S. Maple anymore? They sound WAY too professional, in a sort of ass-backwards way. I could genuinely see this going down pretty well at a country festival. Points for making me rethink my life. That really spacey outro is also total earcandy, thanks guys.

37. Mountain Top

This one has a great build dominated entirely by atonal guitar wank and Samson having seizures all over the kit. I mean this in a good way. And there’s a bit of a fright at the end too. It’s going here because I just don’t really have much to say about it, and I feel that it changes its approach a bit too much to work as a cohesive whole - I remember like 3 distinct parts in this song and the rest is kinda mush. Still very good though.

36. When A Man Says “Ow”

The opening of this one creases me up, it’s also likely the most obvious Beefheart worship on this whole album. Just this big, stupid, oafish slide riff with Samson smacking that ba-DA, ba-DA beat in the background like his life depends on it and he really can’t be arsed. Probably the best example of them taking country apart on this record. Another really entertaining (if short) cut. Also, when they layer that high bend with the lower octave at 2:17? Awesome.

35. Home It’s O.K.

This one genuinely scares me a bit. I LOVE the start of this one, what a weird sound to get out of a guitar. It feels like the album screaming out in pain while it’s melting. Almost disconcerting to listen to, it just feels so manic in an unnervingly placid way. That ending is gruesome.

34. Stupid Deep Indoors

This is likely my least favourite song on Talker, though it does what it does quite well. I think that, by this point in the album, this kind of thing has been done quite a lot over the course of the runtime, and another serving of it is definitely not unwarranted, but I’m not sure if I need it, y’know? Nevertheless, it’s all the things that make Talker what it is: sparse, moody, bleak, spooky. And for that it’s worth your time. The guitar layering is pretty cool too, takes you off guard in a fun way.

33. [untitled] 2 (from Acre Thrills)

This feels like it brings the same kind of closer-energy as Matchsticks from Selected Ambient Works Vol. 2. It doesn’t feel like the end, but it is, and this gives this otherwise typical, almost butt-rocky jam a weird kind of cataclysmic weight to it. They didn’t have to add this on, but they did, and I accept that. Definitely a credits-roll tune, I love how it keeps coming back in for another run until it seems to bore itself.

32. You Know What… Will Get You You Know Where

What a track name! I think the way the instrumentation evolves around the central riff in this song is pretty awesome, and the quieter melodic segues are also a treat. I don’t tend to have the second half of this record on nearly as much as the first, but this is good, for sure. The song collapsing in on itself at the end is a very nice and fitting touch.

31. Total Fruit Warning

Okay, I feel very weird about this track. It’s got a cool stumbling melodic line, it interrupts itself like 3 times, and has this utterly hilarious bend riff in the left channel. It’s definitely up there in terms of Maple tracks in general, but on Acre Thrills this is one of the weaker songs. But bear in mind this is a weak song on an album that ranks consistently as my favourite ever made. Also, there’s a kitty at the end! Yay, kitty!

30. Stuck

This is U.S. Maple doing a Devo song or something, and it’s fucking great. I can imagine Molly Ringwald dancing to this, and those background yells are pure gold. Really gnarly breakdown at the end, too. This would go great in a Pro Skater game.

29. So Long Bonus…

The first half of this song is pretty standard procedure, though it has a certain plodding heaviness to it that earns its Final Song placement. But the second half is a real curveball - after a sudden noisy freakout (replete with stuff being knocked over), it’s just Al and a softly strummed guitar that dips in and out of dissonance, something that they wouldn’t really use much in their songs until their final record. It’s totally out of character for an otherwise very sterile and despondent record, one that definitely caught me unawares when I first heard the album, so much so that I had to double check I hadn’t accidentally left my playlist running.

28. Obey Your Concert

Super shimmery intro, some quick guitar stabs, and we’re off on a total mindfuck of a song. Spastic drumming, a pretty steady low guitar line and some kind of weird skit playing in the background while Al gasps and hawks over the top. Then we just slide straight into maybe the most straightforward instrumental on Acre Thrills thus far in the tracklist. It’s not a track I revisit often, but it calls back to records like Tweez for me, for some reason, except much more out there, and much more spindly with its guitarwork. Yeah, more spindly than Slint.

27. Coming Back To Damnit

They sound fucking ANGRY. I love that weird pull-off laden main riff and the groove they keep dipping in and out of. Second half is the genesis of the, “4/4 hihat while Samson goes nuts on the kit off-time” technique that would later populate songs such as More Horror and [untitled] from Acre Thrills. A great intro to a new age for the band, one they’d stick with for quite a while - sounds like a rock band that is incredibly pissed off at rock music. This one probably went very very hard live.

26. Rice Ain’t Afraid of Nothing

What does that even mean? Either way, this is basically a more positive outlook on the Talker sound; very empty, lot of meaning behind each note choice and drum hit, except the note choices are much less hostile and Al lends some genuinely touching vocals to this track. It almost sounds like a ballad - if you told me your mother sung this to you as a small child, I wouldn’t necessarily think you were lying. Also the riff right before they practically fall into the main body of the song is great, it feels like your stomach’s dropping.

25. Running From Kabob

What a spooky goddamn song! This sounds exactly like driving your friends shitty pickup truck through a fir forest while the sun drowns behind some hills. This is one of the most atmospheric Maple songs for me, and I love how Shippy just cuts through the gentle hum with some weirdly melodic high passages. It’s like a phone going off in a deserted multi-storey parking lot. That steady tiptap on the snare rim is also like catnip for me.

24. Babe

I have no real problems with this song, and it’s great for what it is, but I’ve never seen it as anything more revelatory as a segue between the meatier first and third tracks. Still very very good though. Fakeout intro is really fun, hits a great stride once it gets going, the fretless guitar work shines a ton here, very delicate in an odd way. It just gives zero room to really let loose, and I love that level of restraint. Hell yeah, babe.

23. Home-Made Stuff

On certain days, I will tell you this is my favourite Long Hair song. Usually right after I’ve listened to it. It just kicks so much ass. Great vocals from Al, the rhythm changes are easy to latch onto after a few repeats, and again, I just like any riff where they utilise the fretless to this kind of extent. Groovy as shit, intro that utterly pummels you before unleashing a total onslaught of tremolo picking, it’s just a ton of fun. And that random GIGANTIC tom slams at the end? Scared the shit out of me the first time I heard them. I thought Queens of The Stone Age would do the same thing at the beginning of, “Battery Acid,” but instead they just go into, “Battery Acid.”

22. Go To Bruises

Thick, treacle-like dirge that eventually comes together in a very disconcerting way, like walking home drunk and finding the inside of your house on fire. Total dulled panic. Also the first instance of the Bumps and Guys riff being echoed in the tracklist. And the way that chromatic scale just keeps riding up and up until the rest of the band joins in is awesome.

21. Make Your Bedroom Great

The main riff for this gets stuck in my head constantly. This is also another example of the song changing to fit the melody rather than the other way around - they ride in and out of straight beats to sparse improv before tearing it all down and starting again. The second run-around of this song is also startlingly pretty, there’s some amazing chord choices and the soft, “aah, ahh,”s are an inspired addition. Also, the Apollo, Don’t You Crust? riff comes up at the end!

20. Untitled (from Talker)

This is where this, “untitled,” bullshit gets real. This song fucks. So many musical ideas going off at once, and they’re so well tied together, and it’s so spacious and cold and oppressive-sounding while still managing to have small flecks of genuine coherent melodies scattered throughout. And that reverse-reverb outro!

19. Lay Lady Lay

A BOB DYLAN COVER? They’ve completely lost it! Seriously though, this is such an anomaly in the Maple discography I kind of have to score it high just for the sheer audacity. It’s a very good cover! It adds so much to the original, Al is wonderfully in tune on this one, Adam keeps some steady tiptaps on the kit, and Mark/Todd use their inky fingers for good! Fuck man, it’s really pretty, and better yet, it’s a real blindside for these weirdos. Bravo.

18. Northwad

What the hell are those sounds at the start? Sounds like somewhere between a motorbike starting up in the cold and an unholy bowel movement. Once we’re past it, this is definitely one of the more interesting songs on Long Hair, it barely feels written at all, but the constant shifts prove it to be. So many delicious skronks and squeals! Also the sparsest song on here, maybe? It definitely precedes the approach they would later take on Talker, and I love Talker. Total head-scratcher, and for that it gets extra good-boy points.

17. Missouri Twist

The sounds at the beginning are like Mark and Todd trying to explain what a shepherd’s wave is with a guitar. And from then it’s a stuttering, wiry sprawl. This likely has the most amount of Funny Sounds than any song from Sang Phat, maybe even all of their songs. And that chorus riff is so weird, they manage to let it flutter in and out of tune with so much control. There’s a lot to love about this song, and I love how heavy it gets towards the end. The lower guitar hits start to feel like bludgeons.

16. Apollo, Don’t You Crust?

In case you hadn’t noticed a theme with Talker, it’s the notes you DON’T play, and this intro is that to a T. So much space between those drum hits compared to the utter frenzy they would whip themselves into on Long Hair and Sang Phat. And even when they start filling it in, there’s barely any solid 1 to find as a foothold, the hits just keep cascading like falling roof tiles. And that riff that keeps poking its head in and out is total platinum. You can tell this record was engineered by Michael Gira; what a miserable sod. Great work.

15. Songs That Have No Making Out

This is really the first time that U.S. Maple achieve what I might call a, “swagger,” in their music. Whereas their previous record sounded like a guy who knew business and meant business, this one really boils Al Johnson’s stage act into musical form. Leering, lumbering, horribly seasick, it’s classic Maple. The ending is super punishing also. And Al’s random, “Ahaaeeuuhh, ahahh, ahhaueh,”s are very entertaining.

14. Open A Rose

Alright, you guys complained too much, and now look at what you made them do! They made a fuckin’ ACDC song! I’m being facetious, obviously, but this is a pure-blooded rocker. Anthemic, long chords, nice steady beat, with only the occasional total freakout, comparatively. I love the way that resonance flows off of the dead-note strums in the main riff, and is that a guitar pedal I hear? That sudden shining melodic explosion at 2:19 is also spellbinding. Fuck yeah, we’re getting to the REALLY good stuff now.

13. Bumps and Guys

FUCK that’s a good intro. And then the song just starts sputtering and spitting at you until it heaves itself up to full height and reveals a much darker, scarier U.S. Maple. As stated before, the riff in the second half feels like it’s redone like 3 times over across this album, but I have no problem with that. It really feels like they nailed the push-pull of their song structures with Talker, and this song showcases that expertly. Awesome pacing.

12. My Li’l Shocker

Sue me. Yeah, it’s pretty straightforward and meat-headed compared to most of their other stuff, but it also rawks. It’s a good dip into the menstrual pool of Purple On Time, just to see how onboard you are with this new, slightly more reasonable version of the band, but it keeps enough propulsion to still be captivating all the way through. For a five minute melodic noise rock track, that’s very good in my books. And I love those whispers Al does as well.

11. The State Is Bad

This is the OTHER radio hit from Long Hair, feels like it takes them a couple tries to start the song properly but once they do they kick the door down and start tearing shit up. Like, “Letter to ZZ Top,” this is clearly quite tongue-in-cheek, but they do such a great pisstake that it ends up being better than whatever they’re making fun of. Would easily be an S-tier Jesus Lizard song, the extended breaks kind of put me off of having this one on repeat though. Great work nonetheless.

10. Breeze, It’s Your High School

Second case of the Bumps riff being echoed. This song basically stays in ugly lurch mode for its entire runtime, and Al really lets loose on this one. I don’t know what they were working out on this song but I’m glad they did. Huge shoutout to the random melodic lines Shippy throws out around 2:40, they’re utterly mad. That whole outro is so spacious in general, it’s an anomalous moment (hitherto in their discography) of genuine tranquility. It’s like a murky old sewage lake from your hometown.

9. La Click

This is the song I think of when I think of Sang Phat Editor. Ear-piercing strings intro, has that awesome, “One, two!” yell, main riff kicks ass and is really unpredictable, Al’s performance here is just top notch, really hitting those high notes. I have little else to say about this, it’s just great, and is a staple of their live sets, for good reason.

8. Hey King

The song that started it all! An amazing intro to an amazing body of work, the absolute balls needed to put weird abrasive guitar licks for most of the song before kicking into a 4/4 “song”, hilarious. Great build by the way, and once they start the, “song,” it totally blindsides you into a fit of giggles, and it goes incredibly hard to boot. Cheeky motherfuckers. This would also be an S-tier Jesus Lizard song.

7. Chang, You’re Attractive

Maybe the most orgasmic build of the whole record, wonderful melodic work leading up to a comparative supernova of pure musical force, and goddamn man, that drone they end on. Beautiful.

6. [untitled] 1 (from Acre Thrills)

I know it’s basically sacrilege that I’ve put an untitled track this high on the list (nearly the top 5), but I don’t care, make your own. This is the song that made U.S. Maple make sense to me, and it’s all in those delicious, nutritious, gorgeous, wonderful chords they pick out. This is, unironically, one of their most melodically sound songs as far as I’m concerned; I can hum basically every flourish from memory. The moment the penny dropped, my life was changed profoundly forever. I wasn’t aware music could do this. Hell fucking yes man. Top 5 time.

5. More Horror

The single best job the band has ever managed for pacing a song. Pure mastery in pull-and-release tension tactics, holds you in a vice grip for basically the whole song, it’s wonderfully arranged. The quiet part feels like the sudden creep of terror until you turn around and confirm nothing’s behind you, only for the feeling to come straight back again. And that incredibly dismal chord in the final verse, shit hits like a death knell. Listen alone in the dark for the best experience.

4. Dumb In The Wings

Well done Purple, you made it into the top 5 with your total stroke of genius. This is one of the songs I’d recommend if I wanted to get someone into this band - the steady build of the opening riff, the long sustained notes in the verses, the slow and steady snare build into one of the grooviest breakdowns in their catalogue, that background, “mmmmmmmmmm.” It’s a fucking amazing song and I had it on repeat for a full hour the first time I heard it. Also very fun to drum to.

3. Troop and Trouble

I know there’s the untitled track after this, but lets be real, this is the closer of the album, and what a closer. It’s like the rest of the album falling down the stairs, again. Feels like a weird coda to tracks like Ma Digital and Total Fruit Warning. There’s a flooring amount of assonance between the two guitars, like they’re finishing off each other’s ideas mid-sentence. Spellbinding, what a photo finish.

2. Letter To ZZ Top

Call me shallow, I dare you. Yes, this song is a pisstake (as with most of the album its from), and yes, it is pea-brained in terms of its complexity compared to their later work, but it’s just so good. The scattershot verses, the builds into the utterly explosive choruses, the chunky breakdown that slides into an even longer build, with an even bigger release of tension. This is their party anthem, this is their stadium song, this is likely the one song of theirs you can get away with playing around your friends. Deserves to be blasted as loud as possible. Stellar.

1. Ma Digital

This is the first song that came to mind for my number one, and over the course of arranging and writing about each of these songs, it never made me reconsider. That’s likely me being a bad critic, but I can’t act like this isn’t my absolute favourite thing they’ve ever done, ever. Maybe my favourite rock song period. The jaunty, tongue-in-cheek call and response opening, the tender opening, the eventual collection of its disparate parts into a machine that can actually move, even if it stumbles occasionally. The way it builds in width and volume over the course of a few measures, different motifs flickering in and out of vision, and then they really hit a stride about a minute in. And then the single best riff they’ve ever written bursts forth at 1:22, amid pick scrapes while Al accentuates every beat like a towncrier with his throat slit. From there, there’s only pieces to pick up, and they can’t quite get back to the former glory, so they just push forward through every iteration of the previous few sections as possible, before cracking open again. One more drum blast, and then it fades out into silence again. It’s stuck with me since I first heard it, and at this point I probably turn it on once a day. Hey ma, digital indeed. Almost like they were calling out towards a new age in music, one they would forge, and inspire others to continue.

U.S. Maple are a very good band and I like them a lot.